New Rule

Please don't act like you know what is best for me. Please don't think you know it all. Please don't judge my opinions, beliefs or choices--I know you don't like it when others do it to you. Your shock and disapproval really upset me earlier. Please don't let it happen again.

Continued

For fear of coming off "ranty" in my last post, I wanted to clarify...

I'm not trying to sound like some snotty girl who expects everyone to come to her and shower her with the kind of love and devotion we see between the characters on "Friends." I'm simply going through this process of finding out I don't value myself the way I should. I tend to (in most cases) surround myself with people that don't make me feel so great, and in turn, cause me to get very upset and enter some pretty low and dark places emotionally. I'm not saying someone should cut a friend out of their lives because they are "up to par" that week. I'm simply saying it is good to know where your expectations are, as well as knowing what you need from others. I just fear I've been having constant "sub-par" friendships, and learning (or striving to learn) how to live upset 5 out of 7 days of the week. I think everyone, at one point or another, can disappoint someone--I'm sure I do in some way shape or form upset a patient, friend, partner, etc. in some cases. BUT with that being said, I recognize this and do whatever I can to make amends (apology, etc.). Expectations, and a lack of meeting them for that matter, isn't an end all be all. Step up. If you know you're being a not so great friend, apologize and be there. If a friend is reaching out to you for help, help them as long as it won't harm you. All we have is each other on this planet. Sure, all we can trust when we lay our heads on our pillows at night is ourselves, but we're human beings. We CRAVE human interaction. Without it, we would basically be cells walking around aimlessly. What I'm getting at (and I apologize for the disorganization of this post), is basically that, although we do not NEED others for survival, stability, etc. (well, that isn't all true, but that's for another blog), having others around is a definite benefit. When this benefit turns harmful as a friend is not being a true "friend," real damage can be done.

"I’d rather be nine people’s favorite thing, than a hundred people’s ninth favorite thing..."

A talk with arguably one of my best friends last night prompted this post. I guess, after talking with him, I began to realize my expectations in a friendship. Now, don't run and hide--I know expectations is a scary word, but bear with me for a second.

Friendship, hmm...what does that mean to me. I guess I can sum it up in the following.

Friends means being friends.

Friends, do the following (or should according to me):

-Talk on a frequent basis-no not daily, but not days/weeks apart
-Have meaningful conversations when they talk
-Don't lie to each other
-Don't back-stab each other
-Make plans, and KEEP them
-Realize what the other means to them
-Are there for each other, even when times are really tough
-Value each other
-Fight for their friendship, even if they're really really upset
-Apologize when it's necessary, and welcome an apology when it's warranted

I guess I don't find these things to be too hard. A simple text, or dinner out once every week or so doesn't seem like torture--after all, aren't you supposed to WANT to see your friends?

So this got me thinking...why do I settle for friends who don't meet my expectations. Why do I put up with social relationships that are one sided. Why do I, time and time again, ask friends to hang out with me, only to be not answered, rejected, turned down for other people, or worse, have a plan and then be stood up or cancelled on last minute?

Perhaps it's time I stopped living like this...

A wise man once quoted a musical during a conversation with me..."I’d rather be nine people’s favorite thing, than a hundred people’s ninth favorite thing..." I couldn't have said it better. I'm somewhat fed up with trying to have tons of friends, only to be valued by 2 or 3. I think maybe it's time I invest my efforts in those friends that reciprocate them. I love all of my friends, and would do anything for them, however, when I become the one that is always contacted for straight up money, a meal out they can't afford, advice when none is ever given back, and a shoulder to lean on/ear to listen when there isn't one available for me when I need it, I get a little fed up.

I hate to say I'm weeding out friends, because I'm a strong believer in the fact that if a friendship is termed "lost," perhaps it wasn't ever a friendship at all. Perhaps, these "lost" friendships that I find myself with aren't really friendships in the first place.

I don't mean to seem so jaded or self-deprecating, just food for thought.

To all you readers out there, be best friends when it's warranted. Pick up the phone when you have a second. Don't let those who care about you down, and realize what you have in others.

Marriage, milestones and changes...

Wow--been a while since I've posted!!! Since my last update, I've graduated college, have been offered (and accepted) a full time mental health professional position at the local hospital, and applied to a handful of PhD programs!! I've been quite busy and productive, and am so excited about all these changes and accomplishments!!

Perhaps, however, the biggest and most recent change is currently the most exciting...As everyone knows from my older posts, I'm currently engaged to the most amazing man on the planet (seriously...THE most amaznig) and am currently in the planning stages of our wedding! He makes my dreams come true every single day, and I couldn't thank him enough for that. He believes in me, loves me, and makes me feel like a princess. This "granted wish" however, takes the cake..

As some of you know, my "official" proposal from Dan came when we took our first vacation together at Walt Disney World (the unofficial one (lol) came before that because he couldn't wait any longer <3, but the real, down on one knee, tears in his eyes, sobbing done by me happened there) during my favorite fireworks show "Wishes." As we've been planning the wedding, I've been telling Dan I want to have aspects of Disney there, not only because of the proposal, but because, hands down, without a doubt, it is my favorite place on this whole entire Earth, and the place where so many of my favorite memories with both my family and Dan have happened.

Last night, while looking for ideas for favors, I threw a personalized Cinderella themed candle holder idea off Dan. "Yeah...it's alright, but there's other ways to fit Cinderella into the wedding..." Confused, I asked him to clarify. He asked me to get up from my computer, and go get a drink. Again, confused, I asked him to clarify. "Just do it Jess." Since he used Jess, and not honey or love, I knew he meant business...

As I returned to the office from the kitchen, he promptly asked me to close my eyes. I did, handing him his drink and setting mine down carefully, before he guided me over to my chair. I opened my eyes, and on the screen I saw the website for Disney's Enchanted Weddings, a site I've looked at constantly for years. "I've seen this before babe...hundreds of times," I told Dan as he smiled at me. "We could NEVER afford this."

"Whatever you say!" he replied as he went to sit at his desk. "Make sure you keep August 25th open-I know Cinderella marked it down already."

I called him a jerk, among other things, for teasing me like that, until he began to tell me more confirmation information. "They just need you to call on Monday to tell them details."

I sobbed.

And sobbed.

And sobbed some more.

My BIGGEST dream that I've had since I was a little girl is coming true!! I'm marrying my Prince Charming at the most magical and happiest place on Earth!

BUT...it gets better. Our families are helping to get 10 of our closest friends there as well! We're investigating costs now (plane vs. driving, etc.) and I'm so excited to tell them once we know! Knowing that I'm marrying the man of my dreams, and having my bridesmaids and closest friends there is absolutely amazing!

I can't believe this is happening, even as I type it now...it still hasn't set it! AH!! All I can tell you is, I AM SO EXCITED!


"A dream is a wish your heart makes"-- Cinderella <3

I could use some advice...

Hey all you readers (ok, the 5 of you that religiously follow this HAHA!)

I could use some advice...It's currently 3:15am NY time (thought I would throw that in for all you non-NY readers) and I'm still awake. Why you ask? Nope, it isn't homework, or laundry, or the furry kids or insomia. It's not because a tv show I want to watch is on, or because I have something baking in the oven...

It's because my husband isn't home (ok not husband yet, but close enough). He's currently 9 hours and 15 minutes in to his 12 hour shift, which means I have been missing him for the 9 hours and 45 minutes I've been without him.

And I can't sleep...not without him here. I hate going to bed first, and therefore, act like a total idiot and stay up until 6:30 am when he gets home so we can fall asleep together. Downfall of this plan-10 am class when he gets to sleep all day! lol

Here comes your part: the advice. Pretty soon (with the 'hurry up and wait' mentality of the military I can't give you a date yet) he'll be gone for many multiple 12 hour shifts in a row...12 hour shifts that equal 3 whole months of going to bed first, and even if I stay up until 6:30 am, he won't be coming home.

And I have no idea how to deal with this...

Clearly I can't stay awake for 3 months straight and sleep when he gets home! So readers...what is your advice? I know none of you are military wives, but I'm sure you've had to deal with similar stations at some point or another. So, help me out, because I'm getting wayyy too tired for my own good!

"Only a life lived for others is the life worthwhile."
-Albert Einstein

Just a Note.

Dear President Obama,

I hear you would like to freeze pay rates, or worse, eliminate them all together, for soldiers starting next year, and even those currently enlisted. Would you also consider cutting your own pay to save more money for our country? While you're at it, let's cut down all congressman's pay too. If the people who risk their lives don't get an increase in pay, why should we continue raising pay for those who take no risks and reap the benefits? Seems like everyone in Washington is doing alright, and able to walk the streets safely...am I wrong? Didn't think so. What you are doing is unfair! Can't wait until 2012 when someone knew sits in that Oval Office.

Sincerely,
A pissed off military (almost) wife

To whom it may concern:

Let me start by saying the following: No, this isn't about you...or you...or the person you think this is about. This is a collection feelings and emotions, ones I can't speak about anymore because, in many cases, I feel as though I can't talk to those closest to me anymore.

This is me speaking my mind, something that is causing my hands to shake as I write this. This is me being honest, something I should have been with these individuals. This is me, writing to the collective "you," although each and every person reading this can benefit from it's words. This is me poring my heart out, and knowing that could be detrimental, but being so upset about all of this, I don't have the capacity to care anymore...

To whom it may concern:

Hi, how are you? I sincerely hope that you are having an amazing day, as you always seen to be, even if that is a lie. I most certainly, truthfully, am not. Why you ask? Well let's see...I don't lead an amazing lifestyle, and don't fabricate it to sound amazing. Ends aren't meeting this month, and it's really stressing me out. I'm marrying my best friend in 2 weeks, and shortly thereafter saying goodbye to him. He could be going somewhere terrifyingly scary, and the thought of that causes me to be unable to hold it together most moments in the day. School is insane, and I can't wait to graduate-although I'm not sure if I will. Life is crazy, and everything is falling apart. I've never needed support as much as I do now.


I've been turning to you for this, and you haven't been there...not in the slightest. I hate the mini parties I have internally when you say that you want to hang out with me. I get excited when you text me first, as opposed to the other way around. But lately, those parties and exciting times have become few and far between. Countless texts have gone unanswered, or pushed aside for television or another outing. I can't remember the last time I had to state my case for you spending time with me. And, above all else, you questioned my best friend and his position in the United States Military. Just because you think you know it all, doesn't mean you actually do. In this questioning process, you offended not only myself and my to be husband, but his commanding officers and unit as well. Awesome job. I don't care if you hurt me-I'm used to it-but hurting them is not okay in my book.

I'm tired of coming in second place to other friends, the couch, shopping trips and countless other things. I'm not saying you have to be with me or talk to me 110% of the time, but damn it step up! I look to you for guidance and support, and feel like I'm not getting either. I'm embarking into this really terrifying time in my life, and have no idea what to expect or do. I can guarantee you one thing though, I can't do it alone.

I love you...you're one of my closest friends and will always, as cliche as it sounds, have a special place in my heart. With that being said, however, I can't keep hurting. I can't keep crying over this friendship day in and day out. I can't keep feeling the way I do currently. It kills me to feel inadequate, and that is how you make me feel day in and day out...I'm at a loss for what to do about it anymore.

With all the love a friend can give,
Jess